“No sex before marriage!” It’s a line that was repeated to me often. In fact, it’s a line that I still hear on a regular basis…little do they know, it’s too late for me. Hearing this line so many times caused me to suppress my sexual desires.
Today, my post is going to be a bit different. Instead of talking about culture in an ethnic sense, I’ll be incorporating religious culture.
Death of Desire
In church culture, I was taught that desire was bad. I shouldn’t desire such things as it led to coveting and that was a sin as bad as stealing. Lustful desires were the equivalent of adultery. And they said if your caused you to sin, cut it out. Of course, they didn’t mean this literally, but they meant to eliminate all temptations that could lead to sin.
So I had a low sex drive for a while. I was curious, but I wasn’t thirsty. And I did everything I could to separate myself from such temptations. It was a death to my desires and for so long, I didn’t even know I had any.
Religious cultures paints sexual desire as something bad. But I think it also created an unquenchable thirst later in life. I went from sheltered to desperate overnight and now, I just can’t get enough. Maybe it caused a death to my desire, but the long term effect was the resurrection of that desire in tenfolds.
After over two decades of being told to kill my desires, “dangerous” desires began to unfold. I began to crave a life of BDSM. It was ironic because I had not yet had sex, but I began to desire being used sexually. The desire for women was also born and it scared me.
For a bit, I was scared that I was lesbian because I didn’t know how I would be able to explain that to my parents. Turns out, I’m actually bisexual. My fantasies were more so about women using me. I desired to be used and by multiple people. My google search would include sex clubs because I desired to offer my body to several people at once.
Maybe my fantasies got a bit dangerous.
As I became sexually active, my desires grew even more so. I deviated from church culture and did what I wanted. My desires have now also deviated from what they once were.
Age might play a role in the change. But, my desires have seemed to tame in some areas and grow in other areas. I no longer desire to offer my body to strangers at a sex club (thankfully, I never did that). But I do desire sexual humiliation which is why I have a desire to let others see my naked body. This explains why I post nudes on my blog, on Twitter and on Fetlife.
At the current moment, I desire my CL. It’s not just in a sexual way either. While I do desire to have a lot of sex with him, I also just want to be close to him. Kisses and cuddles from CL are things that I really long for.
My desire for women hasn’t changed. I still have a desire to be dominated by another woman and be forced to sexually please her.
Image from Unsplash