As a kid, I didn’t like sleeping alone, but as I grew up, I hated when I had to share a bed. I liked having the space to sprawl out. I sleep like a crazy person so I’m all over the place.
I have a fear of abandonment. I don’t think it’s something I recognized before because I always push people away when they get too close. But lately, I’ve felt the need for closeness and security. I often fear dying alone.
Perhaps it’s this virus and the lockdowns that’s have drove me further into this frenzy. Or perhaps it’s because some have managed to break through my walls. But I need closeness. I don’t like feeling alone.
Being alone used to be a choice. I’d come home for alone time. I’d retreat away from people because too many people drain the life force out of me. I chose to be single for a rather long time with a fear of getting hurt another time. Now, being alone is more circumstantial rather than of my choosing.
When you get the choice to be alone or to be away from someone, it’s not as hard. But when it’s not of your choosing, the emotions run wild.
THE EASE OF ANXIETY
I’m afraid my mental health has taken a nose dive these last few months. I have been struggling with anxiety. I feel lonely and scared on most days and have had a lot of sleepless nights because there’s so much stress that keeps me up at night.
But I think the feeling of closeness eases the anxiety. I guess could compare it to someone going crazy and then calming down when they’re in a bear hold. Being physically close to someone I’m fond of and trust, just seems to put my mind at ease and provide me comfort.
While it may still be hot where I am, I long for this sense of warmth that it absent when sleeping alone. It’s a feeling of security and the warmth is more so internal. In a way, I guess it brings about a sense of belonging.
I want to be able to sleep in his arms and see his face in the morning. Baby, I hope I get to wake up next to you one day.
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