Musically Ranting, September Song Project 2

Loneliness – Am I Really That Undesirable?

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.“ – Mother Teresa

Less than a month ago, I was crying over Sir. I felt so lost and I tried to find comfort in lover, but now he’s doing exactly what Sir did. Ignoring me for days and not acknowledging that it’s hurting me. With the loneliness creeping in, I ask myself if I am really that undesirable.

LONELINESS IN LOCKDOWN

With the lockdown, I haven’t seen friends in several months. I think this contributes to the feeling of loneliness. It fueled my need for connection more than ever and so I clung to what I had with Sir and lover.

Before either one of them, I think I would have been fine on my own. After my ex, I didn’t need anyone or anything. I was “strong” enough to survive his abuse so I must have been strong enough to be alone. Many friends abandoned me when I was with my ex so I was well acclimated to people leaving me without a word, but now it’s a different story.

I grew attached to the feeling of companionship. There was someone there who cared about me when life seemed to get too rough. Someone was in my corner when my days were just too dark. Having that someone became a need. Then one of those someones left me and now the other one of those someones seems to be on the brink of leaving me as well.

The feeling of loneliness is heightened with the lockdown and to lose both Sir and lover in less than a month is heartbreaking.

AM I TO BLAME FOR MY LONELINESS?

There’s been no, “I’m busy today,” “I miss you,” or “Good night” recently. I’ve simply been ignored and I told lover that I was beginning to feel lonely and that I needed him. No answer.

But the only common factor in both relationships has been me so am I the problem?

Tryin’ to analyze every angle, situation
Tryin’ to find an explanation
‘Cause it’s gettin’ aggravating
Why my relationships never seem to work out
Beginnin’ to worry and doubt
– Stacie Orrico (Is It Me)

I overthink things and maybe that gets me into trouble. One word answer, silence throughout the day. Does it mean he doesn’t want me anymore? Why do all my relationships fail?

Fallin’ on my heartbreak and I
Get my hopes up when I’m in love
Until we break up then I’m back to the
Same spot, I’ve been lonely, drownin’
‘Cause every guy turns out to be the same
So now I’m questionin’ is it me to blame

I got my hopes up with Sir, thinking he was my forever Dom. Then I fell in love with lover and got my hopes up thinking that I would spend my life with him. But now, I feel that pit of loneliness and my two greatest fears feel like they are coming to life. My fear of abandonment and my fear of dying alone are crippling.

IS IT ME?

Is it me? Am I so complicated?
Is it me? Or is love over-rated?
Is it me? ‘Cause I don’t quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it

Is it me? Am I too independent?
Is it me? Not ready for commitment?
Is it me? ‘Cause it doesn’t seem to last
And it’s the only question that I never asked

All these questions go off in my mind. Is it me? Am I that undesirable?

Never thought it could be that it’s me
Till I realized I’m the only
Common factor and played a big part
In lettin’ people break my heart

Maybe I’m terrible at choosing who to let into my life. I choose the ones who will only see me as an option. And I get my heart broken because of it. Maybe I’m delusional in thinking that things could ever work out with someone who doesn’t see me as their only choice.

And I now see that I’m not lover’s only choice. We rattled on about celebrating our birthdays with each other. He thought I was so sweet when I said that the only I wanted was to spend time with him. Then he turned the tables and said, “Now that I’m older, it’s easier to get girls. Not that I just go out there and get any girl that looks my way.” That irked me because I took it as him scoping out other options. Since then, he’s been pushing me away and leaving me to my loneliness.

THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF BEING WANTED

I guess the loneliness left me in search of that sense of companionship once again. There’s that need to feel wanted. Maybe, I’m still dealing with the consequences of my ex. For so long he told me that I was unlovable and no other man would want me. And I guess, it left needing to feel wanted more than ever.

So I found myself a CL by accident, really. And so far he makes me feel desired. He makes me feel wanted. So I hold onto this last semblance of hope that someone finds me desirable. It takes a bit of that loneliness away.

Yours Truly, sass c.

September Song Project - Loneliness
Musically Ranting - Loneliness

sass c.

i'm just your average girl with a dirty mind. young, asian and submissive...does that pique your interest? constantly in a battle with myself whether to stay confined by my cultural values or to break free like the freak i am.

Instagram: @thesassysubdaily
Twitter: @sassysubdaily

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16 Comments

  1. CL — ?

    Don’t know what that means…

    As for the rest of it, the things that stand out are the “need him” — ‘need’ is used a lot of ways, but when it replaces ‘want’ or “enjoy’ or ‘desire’ it can be unhealthy — and the fact that the communication drop-off are both identifiable patterns.

    And it seems, from the way it’s worded, like you expect monogamy from Lover? But you’re not practicing monogamy with him, considering that you were carrying on a relationship with Sir at the same time, right? Or am I misunderstanding something there?

  2. Need would be in terms of the saying, “I don’t love you because I need you. I need you because I love you.” After 8 months of dating, there’s an attachment that formed and he’s become an essential part of my life. Would I be able to get over him? One day, but the loss would hurt significantly.

    I guess in a way, Sir was more on a friendship level. I knew we would never date. We never had sex. I loved him, but there was no romance. Lover knew about as it was something we talked about when we first started dating. Lover wasn’t kinky so he didn’t mind that I had a Dom. And if he did at any point, I would’ve ended my D/s relationship. But with lover, we are dating exclusively. I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and it’s something we were honest about. He still talks and spends time with other women and I’ve been okay with it. He wanted to invite other women to the bedroom and I was okay with it. But what he said to me made me feel like he was going to just drop me because there were so many other options for him.

    1. Ah, okay… That makes more sense. Thank you for clarifying.

      No doubt you likely need in-person, face-to-face, hash-it-out time with Lover before you can figure out Where You’re At (as a couple… if you’re a couple…). The state of the world is probably making that difficult though.

      Sending positive thoughts your way.

      xo

      1. I can’t help but think maybe he found himself back in bed with his ex. Or something happened with her. Every time he sees her, he’s in a mood after. She’s the one person, I don’t want him to sleep with. She’s toxic and I know it hinders whatever I have with him. He normally always vents to me when she does something shady, but now, he’s trying hard to avoid me so I feel like something really bad happened.

  3. Hi Sass

    I am curious too about a CL – is that a cybersex lover? I only ask because I have been chatting about cybersex with someone else.

    You are such a sweetheart and I think that your loving nature feels happiest when reassured by regular expressions from your the men in your life. The truth is that when a guy gives us those reassurances we thrive, we feel secure. When they stop telling us we are important to them, we grow anxious and feel unwanted.

    I think what you are going through is natural but try not to give up before you are sure of the situation. Some men do not like to feel weighed down.

    It is always attractive to find someone with a loving nature. You seem so sweet and also have a sensationally spicy side to you that will be exciting to many men. But always try to fortify your emotional strength. Being in a relationship can play around with your emotions as we go through ups and downs and loop-the-loops.

    1. Yeah, it’s kind of like that. But it’s also a similar fashion to Sir. Sir and I lived far from each other so we only texted and that’s like this now. With Sir gone, it’s left me a bit lost and now, it’s nice to have someone to talk to and who pays attention to me.

      I think lover and I are on a sinking ship. I wanted to talk yesterday, but he just said hi and bye and left me hanging. Today, I tried to ask how he was and he blew me off again. It’s never been this bad. Normally, he’s enticed when I send him naughty pictures, but he doesn’t even care now. It feels like he’s not attracted to me anymore and I feel like he doesn’t even want to have sex with anymore. It’s really strange. We’ve never gone this long without talking things out. We’ve always settled things within 24-48 hours because he knows that I worry about something being wrong. He doesn’t seem to care about my birthday anymore and doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me. I don’t know how to figure out what’s going on if he won’t even give me time to talk.

  4. Sending hugs, my friend…. I am sorry you are in pain <3

    1. Thank you

  5. Sorry you are going through this! I felt the same all throughout my teens and early twenties, the feeling of being unworthy of love and total acceptance. But out of no where Damian entered my life and changed all of those feelings. It wasn’t right away either, I struggled for years to accept that he truly loved me. 1 day someone will come into your life that needs exactly who you are🙏🏼

    1. I feel like I’m a burden to him. Lately, he’s been treating me like a child. I know I’m a lot younger than him, but I’ve seen him as my partner. I’ve never expected him to be my sugar daddy. In the beginning, I was the girl he couldn’t get enough of and now, I feel like he thinks I’m too much.

      1. All you can do is communicate your feelings and request he be open and honest. It’s frustrating that he isn’t responding. Has he responded at all yet?

  6. Unlovable, undesirable, never. Time to get over that ex.

    https://youtu.be/C9YMXXXh8BM

    1. That songs sounds so cheerful, but the lyrics are so depressing haha.

      1. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

      2. Yes…I’m seeing it.

  7. Oh Sass, I am so sorry that you have to go through this again. I will never understand why people just ignore others, and don’t have the courage to say if they are done with something, or talk if something is not right. In this case it’s not you, it’s them. Take care, Sass, and have fun with CL!
    ~ Marie

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