“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.“ – Mother Teresa
Less than a month ago, I was crying over Sir. I felt so lost and I tried to find comfort in lover, but now he’s doing exactly what Sir did. Ignoring me for days and not acknowledging that it’s hurting me. With the loneliness creeping in, I ask myself if I am really that undesirable.
LONELINESS IN LOCKDOWN
With the lockdown, I haven’t seen friends in several months. I think this contributes to the feeling of loneliness. It fueled my need for connection more than ever and so I clung to what I had with Sir and lover.
Before either one of them, I think I would have been fine on my own. After my ex, I didn’t need anyone or anything. I was “strong” enough to survive his abuse so I must have been strong enough to be alone. Many friends abandoned me when I was with my ex so I was well acclimated to people leaving me without a word, but now it’s a different story.
I grew attached to the feeling of companionship. There was someone there who cared about me when life seemed to get too rough. Someone was in my corner when my days were just too dark. Having that someone became a need. Then one of those someones left me and now the other one of those someones seems to be on the brink of leaving me as well.
The feeling of loneliness is heightened with the lockdown and to lose both Sir and lover in less than a month is heartbreaking.
AM I TO BLAME FOR MY LONELINESS?
There’s been no, “I’m busy today,” “I miss you,” or “Good night” recently. I’ve simply been ignored and I told lover that I was beginning to feel lonely and that I needed him. No answer.
But the only common factor in both relationships has been me so am I the problem?
Tryin’ to analyze every angle, situation
Tryin’ to find an explanation
‘Cause it’s gettin’ aggravating
Why my relationships never seem to work out
Beginnin’ to worry and doubt – Stacie Orrico (Is It Me)
I overthink things and maybe that gets me into trouble. One word answer, silence throughout the day. Does it mean he doesn’t want me anymore? Why do all my relationships fail?
Fallin’ on my heartbreak and I
Get my hopes up when I’m in love
Until we break up then I’m back to the
Same spot, I’ve been lonely, drownin’
‘Cause every guy turns out to be the same
So now I’m questionin’ is it me to blame
I got my hopes up with Sir, thinking he was my forever Dom. Then I fell in love with lover and got my hopes up thinking that I would spend my life with him. But now, I feel that pit of loneliness and my two greatest fears feel like they are coming to life. My fear of abandonment and my fear of dying alone are crippling.
IS IT ME?
Is it me? Am I so complicated?
Is it me? Or is love over-rated?
Is it me? ‘Cause I don’t quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it
Is it me? Am I too independent?
Is it me? Not ready for commitment?
Is it me? ‘Cause it doesn’t seem to last
And it’s the only question that I never asked
All these questions go off in my mind. Is it me? Am I that undesirable?
Never thought it could be that it’s me
Till I realized I’m the only
Common factor and played a big part
In lettin’ people break my heart
Maybe I’m terrible at choosing who to let into my life. I choose the ones who will only see me as an option. And I get my heart broken because of it. Maybe I’m delusional in thinking that things could ever work out with someone who doesn’t see me as their only choice.
And I now see that I’m not lover’s only choice. We rattled on about celebrating our birthdays with each other. He thought I was so sweet when I said that the only I wanted was to spend time with him. Then he turned the tables and said, “Now that I’m older, it’s easier to get girls. Not that I just go out there and get any girl that looks my way.” That irked me because I took it as him scoping out other options. Since then, he’s been pushing me away and leaving me to my loneliness.
THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF BEING WANTED
I guess the loneliness left me in search of that sense of companionship once again. There’s that need to feel wanted. Maybe, I’m still dealing with the consequences of my ex. For so long he told me that I was unlovable and no other man would want me. And I guess, it left needing to feel wanted more than ever.
So I found myself a CL by accident, really. And so far he makes me feel desired. He makes me feel wanted. So I hold onto this last semblance of hope that someone finds me desirable. It takes a bit of that loneliness away.
Yours Truly, sass c.