Musically Ranting, September Song Project 2

I Don’t Know If I Should Stay

When I first met Sir, I often told myself, “I don’t know if I should stay.” A part of me just wanted to go deeper and another part of me was terrified about getting hurt. I didn’t know if I could bounce back if things went wrong.

The longer things went on with Sir, the more that I needed him. So in July when he was going to end things, I couldn’t walk away. I was already in too deep and I couldn’t stay away.

Even now, I try to fight the urge to beg him to stay. It’s clear that he doesn’t want me anymore so why do I want to fight to keep him in my life?

“Where’s my will
Can I find a way?
The earth is wild
And I can’t sit still

A familiar sound
A familiar voice
Makes it so hard
To make a choice
I don’t know if I should stay”
– Alexz Johnson

At the beginning, he told me that if things got serious with lover and I ever wanted out to let him know. But I grew so attached to Sir that I took time for granted. I lived with the fantasy that maybe he’d stay a part of my life forever. But I guess life isn’t fair and it will continue to take from me.

“I ran to you like water
I threw my body in
And I’ll stand up on the ocean
Just to show you that I am strong, strong
But what if I am wrong”

So I went all in and showed him the most vulnerable parts of me. I threw myself into the depths of the relationship because I trusted him. But was I wrong to do so? Was I wrong to stay when I knew he was so far away? And was I wrong to stay when COVID and the chances of ever seeing him grew even more slim?

Now, I wonder the same thing. I don’t know if I should stay. Is this lifestyle right for me? Or is living a vanilla life enough?

Will I ever be able to give my submission to anyone else? I don’t know…probably not.

I don’t know if I should stay.

Yours Truly,
sass c.

September Song Project - Stay
Musically Ranting - Stay

sass c.

i'm just your average girl with a dirty mind. young, asian and submissive...does that pique your interest? constantly in a battle with myself whether to stay confined by my cultural values or to break free like the freak i am.

Instagram: @thesassysubdaily
Twitter: @sassysubdaily

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  1. It’s sometimes hard to know, when you’re in it, how much of D/s (or anything, really) is about what YOU want/need and how much is about what the other person brings out in you.

    The idea of submission with another person in the future may seem impossible right now, because you can’t imagine it (yet) outside of the context you so recently immersed yourself in. It may still be there in terms of what you need (and it may not), but every relationship is different so it will never look/feel/BE the same as what you knew before.

    Time will tell.

    1. I’m a creature of habit. I’ve never done well with transitions even in my vanilla life. Going from a submissive to just a girl leaves me a bit lost. Having that person who I poured out my heart to just up and leave is hard to get used to. All of the ups and downs…I’d always tell him and now, they’re starting to bottle up again…it’s hard to accept the change. I know I have to eventually, but right now, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself.

  2. Sass….I think I have my wires crossed. You mentioned that you are having some concern recently – is that about Sir or Lover? I am sorry. Ben and I only started the blog five weeks ago and there are so many bloggers writing about their relationships that we are finding it hard to keep track.

    1. My blog is all over the place. Sometimes I would have issues with lover, but right things are okay with him. The issue right now is with Sir.

  3. I think it takes time. You’ve been badly hit and understandably so because D/s relationships are so intense. Allow yourself to mourn, don’t tell yourself you have to get over it in x amount of time. It’s okay. I hope you’ll be okay

    1. Now I know not to let things get too deep again. I don’t think I can handle the heartbreak again.

  4. Only speaking from my experience, the most intense D/s relationships are the hardest to let go of. Your brain says one thing but your heart.. well it’s fragile. It takes time, more time than any of us like to admit. There isn’t any limit to grieving and this is what you go through when a relationship ends. It dies just like a person, so we must give ourselves time. ❤️

    1. This is the hardest for me. I didn’t care when past dominants ghosted me. I didn’t even really care when things ended with my ex. But this one…this hurts the most.

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