When I first met Sir, I often told myself, “I don’t know if I should stay.” A part of me just wanted to go deeper and another part of me was terrified about getting hurt. I didn’t know if I could bounce back if things went wrong.
The longer things went on with Sir, the more that I needed him. So in July when he was going to end things, I couldn’t walk away. I was already in too deep and I couldn’t stay away.
Even now, I try to fight the urge to beg him to stay. It’s clear that he doesn’t want me anymore so why do I want to fight to keep him in my life?
“Where’s my will
Can I find a way?
The earth is wild
And I can’t sit still
A familiar sound
A familiar voice
Makes it so hard
To make a choice
I don’t know if I should stay” – Alexz Johnson
At the beginning, he told me that if things got serious with lover and I ever wanted out to let him know. But I grew so attached to Sir that I took time for granted. I lived with the fantasy that maybe he’d stay a part of my life forever. But I guess life isn’t fair and it will continue to take from me.
“I ran to you like water
I threw my body in
And I’ll stand up on the ocean
Just to show you that I am strong, strong
But what if I am wrong”
So I went all in and showed him the most vulnerable parts of me. I threw myself into the depths of the relationship because I trusted him. But was I wrong to do so? Was I wrong to stay when I knew he was so far away? And was I wrong to stay when COVID and the chances of ever seeing him grew even more slim?
Now, I wonder the same thing. I don’t know if I should stay. Is this lifestyle right for me? Or is living a vanilla life enough?
Will I ever be able to give my submission to anyone else? I don’t know…probably not.
I don’t know if I should stay.