Things have not been easy lately. While I have been writing regularly, I haven’t been engaging with others so much. It’s been hard to keep up with reading as I write for a few minutes then sob and the cycle continues. Life has not been friendly lately and I’m currently suffering great loss.
TW: This post contains references to miscarriage. If you are sensitive to such material, please skip over the section entitled Suffering Through Physical Pain.
SUFFERING FROM HEARTBREAK
I have a few friends in my vanilla life that I’ve now shared about being a submissive. They are sworn to secrecy as I can’t have that information getting out. One doesn’t get it and she thinks that Sir not being there for means he needs to be my sub now. I told her that’s not how it works. Another friend is going through a lot herself and I know she’s dealing with a lot of pain so she can’t really be there for me. My last friend is so consumed in his cause that right now, I’m sure I’m just an afterthought.
So here I am suffering from heartbreak all on my own. Lover knows that I’m a submissive, but it’s something that we sort of just agreed not to talk about. He’s not interested in BDSM and I respect that. I wish he was, but he’s not and I still love him.
Life has consisted of difficulty getting out of bed and singing songs about how much it hurts. I have a lot of work to do, but all I could to was cry in bed and ugly sing, “If I were truly over you, my heart would say amen, but I’d give in to the cold caress of 2am. If I admit I can’t get used to this, will my heart break again as I fall into the waiting arms of 2am.” It’s called 2am by Alexz Johnson and it’s the same song I sang in July when Sir had tried to end things.
I know that if Sir were to walk through the door and tell me that I’m still his, I’d easily fall again. The thing is, I used to be able to bounce from guy to guy. When a guy would end things or ghost me, I never cried, but this is different. This is real heartache; it’s real heartbreak. And I know I’d get my heartbroken a thousand times over for Sir.
HE WAS DIFFERENT
You know, every time a new guy came into my life, I would say, “But this time it feels different.” I think it was a way to justify another dead end by pretending this time would be my forever. However, I didn’t say that about Sir. He was different than any other guy which is why I came to trust him and was vulnerable with him.
I don’t trust others easily. Growing up, pushing others way was my best skill and it’s honestly why I don’t have too many friends anymore. And after my ex, it got even worse to the point that I just put up a wall and decided no one else could come in.
But Sir was different. He was the first to persist and break down my walls. It just felt like we were meant to be.
“I feel at home whenever you’re around. I feel so secure, so safe and sound. What else can I say?What else can I say? You are the one for me. After all the waiting I can finally breathe. Earth and sky say what they may. I will love you all throughout my days. Happiness happens when our hearts combine. When it’s you I’m with, I come alive. It’s just so clear to see. Darling, we are meant to be.” – Melissa Polinar (Meant To Be)
I think that’s why this is so much harder and why I’m suffering all the more. Sir felt like home. He made me feel safe and secure and it was like I wasn’t truly living until he walked into my life. Now, without him, I feel like it’s back to this reality where nothing makes sense. I don’t know how to live without him.
SUFFERING FROM FEAR
With Sir leaving me, my fear is crippling me. I’m terrified that now lover will abandon me too. And I can’t stop crying at the thought that he will leave me in the moment that I need him the most. I expressed to one of my friends just how scared I was and he told me to stop thinking this way because I was a good person and I was strong enough to get through this.
“’Cause for the first time I get worried
When I’m lookin’ in your eyes
That one day you might leave me
And it keeps me up at night
I guess that means I really love you
‘Cause I’m afraid to make mistakes
If you ever left me that would be my first heartbreak” – Tori Kelly (First Heartbreak)
I’m paralyzed by the fear that I’ll lose the love of my life. If what I feel right now is bad, then I can only imagine just how terrible I’ll feel if lover left me as well. The fear has gotten to the point that if he doesn’t talk to me at all in day, I can’t sleep at night. I don’t want to come off as some clingy girlfriend, but right now, I don’t want to be without him.
SUFFERING PHYSICAL PAIN
My injury hasn’t gotten any better and I’m afraid that the physical pain has spread. A part of me thinks that it’s a physical manifestation of my emotional suffering. Another part of me thinks that it’s all connected to what’s going on inside my body with all my hormones right now.
A little over a month ago, I talked about the uncertainty of being pregnant. I later mentioned that I wasn’t because in that moment, I thought I had gotten my period. But it was just spotting and last week I experienced horrible abdominal pains. It was unlike normal cramping during PMS. The pain seemed to get worse. Over the past month, I’ve noticed my energy levels start to dip. I was getting more and more fatigued.
Words cannot even begin to explain the mood swings, which may explain why I was even more emotional not hearing from Sir. My boobs were sore and I felt nauseated quite a bit.
I thought it was just my hormones as crazy as they can be, but last week, I felt really sick. At first I thought that it was the stomach flu or food poisoning, but then the cramps came. They weren’t like the cramps I normally get. While my normal cramps could probably cripple a man because the medical issues I do have, these were more severe. Still I took it as really bad PMS.
The pain got worse over the weekend and this may be TMI, but it felt like my lady bits were being stretched. It felt tight, but at the same time, it felt like a really bad muscle spasm. It’s a bit hard to explain, but it was painful and I’ve had similar pain before, but nothing as bad as this. Then the bleeding started and it was unlike ever before. My periods are typically pretty light and at worst they get to a medium flow, but the bleeding is abnormally heavy this time. But I think what’s more strange is having a lot of clots. Again sorry, if this is TMI.
STRUGGLING WITH THE UNKNOWN
I don’t exactly know what’s going on with my body at the moment. And it is a bit scary. In the past, doctors have said that nothing is wrong, but I thought I had endometriosis. There are some issues that have been diagnosed, but I keep telling the doctors that I think there’s more to it. Doctors don’t believe me and they’ve been telling me that I’m crazy for several years.
But with the current symptoms, I’m also afraid that maybe this was a miscarriage. I really thought that I was pregnant in July and maybe I really was. And now, I’m struggling with the emotions of that possibility.
I know I’ll have to go to the doctor, but I don’t want to go alone. I’m worried that something is wrong. In the past when something was wrong, I had Sir. He didn’t physically go with me, but he would deal with the emotional aftermath and I don’t have that anymore.
“I’m looking for a place
I’m searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
‘Cause nothing’s going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be aloneIsn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home?
It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I, I’m with you” – Avril Lavigne (I’m With You)
That’s what I need right now. I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me, “I’m with you. Things are going to be okay.”
SUFFERING FOR A CAUSE
Lastly, today being September 1, is World PCOS Awareness Day. I’m not just sharing about my suffering through the hormonal changes just because. There is a reason and that reason is PCOS. PCOS stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome.
According to the Department of Health and Human Services, it is, “one of the most common endocrine disorders among women of reproductive age, and is the most common cause of endocrine-related female infertility in the United States.” It impacts 1 in 5 women worldwide, yet as many as 70% remain undiagnosed. There is no cure and the cause is unknown. For more resources, please check out PCOS Awareness Month.
September is not only PCOS Awareness Month, but also Gynecologic Cancer Awareness Month.
Image from Pixabay