“I feel myself in ways to be the product of internalized male gaze.” – Esme Creed-Miles
From dresses to lingerie to the nudes I take, I wonder if I’m contributing the normalization of the male gaze.
I’ve stripped and masturbated outdoors before and I’m pretty sure the neighbors saw me through the fence. I was in the backyard so the chance of getting caught by the public was pretty slim.
Still, the thought of being on display sexually arouses me. I often have fantasies of being stripped naked and out on display like an art exhibit. Fantasies of being tied up and suspended while completely naked for others to see. We can’t forget that taking nudes to send to Sir excites me.
Sir told me that I was discovering my exhibitionist side. I don’t think I’d freely admit that I’m an exhibitionist in fear of what it could entail. Being ordered to walk around naked or have sex in public doesn’t seem like something I’d enjoy. Maybe I just don’t want unwanted eyes to see my naked body.
HIS DOMINANT GAZE
The male and female gaze are quite different. From explanations I’ve seen, the male gaze in cinema is like shooting from a view of a straight man fucking the woman. With the female counterpart, it’s more intimate and emotional; it takes the viewer on a journey and allows them to get to know the character close up.
With Sir, I have a need to be sexually appealing to him. It’s not even in just the nudes I take. In my writing, I often think about whether or not it will appeal to Sir. Will it arouse him? Will it make him want me more?
Sometimes, I reduce myself to an object. But, I think sometimes, it’s enjoyable to be objectified by certain people. In D/s scenes, I find myself rather aroused when Sir treats me like his fucktoy. I become a sex object to him and though, it’s humiliating and degrading, I enjoy it.
Since he’s far away, I record many of my more humiliating and degrading moments during play and send it to him. Being ordered to stand in front of an open window and finger myself, then having to beg to squirt is humiliating. But when you’re ordered to squirt all over floor like a slut, it’s even more degrading when there’s an audience.
Maybe, the male gaze doesn’t bother me so much.
THE GAZE AND PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
With Sir, it’s not a performance. I attribute this to knowing that I belong to him and the reassurance that he is the only member of the audience when we play.
While I’ve had fantasies of having sex at a sex club or participating in an orgy, where others would see me naked and having sex, I’m not sure if I actually would do it. An audience of strangers impacts the performance. I think that it would no longer be genuine, but an actual performance.
The passion wouldn’t be raw. It would be staged. I don’t know if I’d be able to squirt or orgasm in those situations as I’d have a bit of performance anxiety.
How does my body look to the audience? Do I look like a starfish or am I engaging enough? Am I enticing others to want to fuck me too? These are all thoughts that would be circling my mind making me seem out of place in the performance. I’d be in my head too much. But aren’t those concerns that of the male gaze? These are all things that I also think about when I have sex or masturbate for someone.
Perhaps, the indoctrination of appealing sexually to the male eye is what also inspires me sexually. It impacts how I have sex and my behavior toward men.
MY NAKED BODY
I think this poem that I wrote earlier this year sums it up in a nutshell.
he’s staring at my naked body
insecurities flood my mind
studies my curves
fucks me relentlessly with his words
blissful desire consumes me
“sir, please touch me”
words seem to roll off his tongue
the tongue that i dream about
“you look very sexy”
he’s staring at my naked body
The Sassy Sub Daily