Wicked Wednesday

I Am The Damsel

Before I begin, I want to apologize that this post may be all over the place. My head is somewhere else at the moment. I had these bright ideas of what I would post, but now my head is consumed by Sir and the ache in my heart wishing I could be with him.

I was going to take this in a whole other direction ranting about why I refuse to label myself as a feminist. I had it all written out. Then I deleted everything because I wanted to write about something else.


Have you ever wanted a Prince Charming? I sure did. I wanted my prince to come riding in to save the day. Am I pathetic for that? I don’t really think so.

We are taught that this is the norm from an early age. Girl meets boy, they fall in love and happily ever after. Except, happily ever after doesn’t always exist. The media creates certain expectations of what the ideal life for a woman or a man looks like.

I still want my Prince Charming. He just doesn’t look like such a ‘pretty boy’ anymore. He’s much more manly. He’s strong, he’ll protect me and he’ll love me. He’s my knight in shining armor and here to save the day. Prince Charming now looks at lot like Sir. Super manly, dominant, and makes me feel safe. And he gives me those googly eyes you’d get when you would see your crush as a kid.


Chrys Ingraham defines heterosexual imaginary as a “way of thinking which conceals the operation of heterosexuality in structuring gender and closes off any critical analysis of heterosexuality as an organizing institution.” If you’ve never heard of Chrys Ingraham…she’s a sociology professor at the State University of New York. Her academic research has a lot to do with sexuality and gender.

Ingraham’s paper titled Heterosexual Imaginary pointed out the gap in feminist sociology. She claimed that heterosexuality was male dominated as seen in the patriarchal authority in marriage laws. Feminist topics such as motherhood had reduced women’s purpose to pretty much baby making.

It was further suggested that the heterosexual imaginary flaunted romance and sexuality, but hid its participation in violence and economic inequality.


The media feeds the heterosexual imaginary. Painting the ideal that girls should want a Prince Charming to come and rescue them is a classic example. It teaches girls that they need to be the damsel in distress and in a way, too weak to save themselves. It teaches kids the idea of heteronormativity, meaning heterosexuality is the normal or preferred orientation.

If the feminist movement is upset about this, maybe another look should be taken at the objectification of men in the media. Around the world, men are indeed objectified. Maybe you’re not so in tune to it because society has only taught the objectification of women. But what do you think is the meaning of masculinity?

The media paints men as these macho figures. They are strong. They can often fight. And they don’t look like ‘pretty boys.’ Hence, so many people will put a face on masculinity that may very well look like Chuck Norris.

We are taught that this is attractive. (You may not find Chuck Norris physically attractive, but think of his character traits). Men who assert dominance. Men who are a bit more rugged. That’s how many might define masculinity. But it puts an unrealistic expectation on men to be a certain way.


How does this impact us as a society? It’s pretty negative, isn’t it? Women are often taught that they aren’t beautiful because they don’t look like that model on page 6 of the latest Vogue magazine. Men are often taught they aren’t manly enough because they don’t look and act like GI Joe.

We often times will end up giving a girl, the Barbie and a boy, the action figurine. We teach children these gender norms from an early age. This hurts those who may identify as gender fluid, non-binary and even those who identity as transgender.


I think there may be some judging in the world of kink, but for the most part it is a bit more accepting of non-traditional gender norms than the rest of society. There’s the phrase, “Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay.” I think if the rest of society adopted that mindset in terms of gender and sexual orientation, there would be a lot less discrimination.

I do play into the concept of the heterosexual imaginary. I am a female and I am submissive while I have a male Dominant. But I think, it is a bit innate. Many can argue that sexual orientation is something you are born with and how you express it is learned. I think it’s similar with Dominance and submission. Some of us are born more submissive than others and society teaches us how to express it. (This is coming from a discussion I had with Sir months ago). Even men can be born more submissive and women can be more as more dominant.

Some feminists would be absolutely appalled to hear that because they think of BDSM as woman-hating violence. But if feminism is pushing for equality for all, shouldn’t it allow me to do whatever I want? Shouldn’t it be accepting of my submissiveness? Submission is a part of my sexuality.


I’m not going to let anyone else define my identity. Not the media. Not a group of feminists. I’m going to be who I want to be. I am not a feminist. (Though, I do say let those boobie traps burn and let the girls fly free). I am simply me.

Yours Truly,
The Sassy Sub Daily


Ingraham, C., Saunders, C. (2016). Heterosexual Imaginary. The Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Gender and Sexuality Studies. Retrieved from https://www.academia.edu/25373557/Heterosexual_Imaginary_Entry_Blackwell_Encyclopedia_of_Gender_and_Sexuality

Ingraham, C. (1994). The Heterosexual Imaginary: Feminist Sociology and Theories of Gender. Sociological Theory. Retrieved from https://www.academia.edu/21548199/The_Heterosexual_Imaginary_Feminist_Sociology_and_Theories_of_Gender_Sociological_Theory_1994?iid=35d167c2-ff9e-4894-901f-0b3547e960ca

To see what others have to say about Feminism, click here.

sass c.

i'm just your average girl with a dirty mind. young, asian and submissive...does that pique your interest? constantly in a battle with myself whether to stay confined by my cultural values or to break free like the freak i am.

Instagram: @thesassysubdaily
Twitter: @sassysubdaily

You may also like...


  1. “I am simply me.”

    This is the best you can be. Always be you, true to yourself. I love this post, as it approaches the subject from a totally different angle, and it provoked a dozen different thoughts. Thank you for that!
    ~ Marie

    1. Thank you for reading. I didn’t think to approach it this way at first. Then I thought about what I was already knowledgeable in and that was the heterosexual imaginary. I figured writing it this way would make my inner nerd quite happy haha.

  2. As Marie said above, your last sentence … brilliantly … says it all. Just simply be oneself. That one thing that we should all be … should all be allowed to be, without shame or guilt.
    Being “simply me” means we can be true to ourselves … and true to all those around us. And that is surely what the world all needs more of now !!!
    Xxx – K

    1. Yes, definitely. We shouldn’t have to put up facade to please everyone else. I like the phrase, “You do you.” I think I live by it most of the time. I don’t care so much if someone falls outside the norm; they’re free to be themselves and I’m not going to stop them.

  3. excellent post and well said. I believe we all should be free to be who we are. I enjoy your take on the way the white knight comes in and how you express you feelings on this. thank you for sharing

    1. Thank you for reading. I don’t think one should feel like they need to be confined by the labels society says we ‘have’ to have.

Leave a Reply