There are a few people who read this blog who know my actual identity. Of those people, only one person knows what I’m about to disclose in this post. Out of everyone in my life, only three people know.
Since it’s Pride Month, I think it’s time that I explain myself.
OH THE DENIAL
For many years, I lived with an enormous amount of guilt. I couldn’t believe this to be true about myself so I lived in denial. I was “normal.” I was the “perfectly” good little girl that my parents wanted me to be.
I dated men. I would only talk about my boy crushes. I guess you could label me as boy crazy. But in the secret, I also fantasized about women. I also watched lesbian porn. “It doesn’t mean anything. I’m still straight,” I would tell myself.
In college, I had a gay professor. He liked to talk about Eminem and his suspicions that Eminem was actually gay. My professor liked to analyze the friendship Eminem had with Elton John and the reasoning for his homophobic slurs. At one point, my professor had attributed to being a defense mechanism…he didn’t want to be outed in fear of his sales tanking. Whether, any of this is true remains a mystery.
This same professor stated that we all fall on a spectrum. On one end is 100% heterosexual and on the other end is 100% homosexual. He didn’t think anyone could be 100% of either. He explained that men and women both have masculine and feminine (gosh autocorrect kept trying to change that to feline) traits. He believed that everyone fell somewhere in between; while some would be closer to one end than the other, others would fall closer to the middle.
Still, I would say, “I’m straight!”
BUT YOU’RE NOT!
When I met Sir, we talked about it for a while. Between my upbringing and societal norms, being anything but straight seemed wrong.
I thought there was something wrong with me. How I felt didn’t align with my parents’ religious beliefs. I feel like I have relatives who aren’t straight, but choose not to date instead. If they did anything other than what the family expected them to do, they’d be ostracized. So I really struggled with how I was feeling. I struggled with my fantasies.
I still very much like men and I don’t think I will ever stop. But I also like women. I’ve never been with another woman, but I do have fantasies and I do find women attractive. I am aroused by SOME women, but definitely not all. And if you’re a woman who just so happens to know my real identity, sorry, you’re not on that short list. You don’t do it for me.
Sir had told me that if I was having these fantasies about other women, then I wasn’t really straight. He had told me that it was okay to be bisexual and that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Sir encourages me to be myself. He doesn’t want to change me.
Though Sir has accepted me as I am, I don’t know if I’ll continue to hold this as a secret. Lover seems to be fine with it; more like excited about it because he wants a threesome haha.
Before quarantine, Sir had wanted me to go to a lesbian bar to meet girls that I could have a one night stand with. I was too afraid so I didn’t do it. Sir punished me when we played the next day.
I don’t know if I’ll ever do anything with another girl. I told Sir that I’d need him with me. Sir brings me comfort and it’d be a first that I want to share with him.
And I’m not sure if I’ll ever be completely out as I don’t think I’ll find much acceptance within my circle. Most of my family and friends will make their judgements known and I may even get disowned. So for now, I’ll live in the secret. I’ll hide my feelings from the world. And if I have a steamy encounter with another girl, I’ll likely keep that to myself.
It’s rather a source of anxiety. Not being able to be who I really am because of the expectations of how I am supposed to be.
The Sassy Sub Daily