Wicked Wednesday: I Will Be Heard

*Warning: this post contains graphic nature and references to rape. If you are under 18 or sensitive to graphic content, please do not proceed.

Shame tends to silence us. We don’t want others to know what causes us to feel dirty and disgusting. We don’t want to wear that disease on our sleeve. But sometimes, voicing our shame leads to freedom from the inner demons that oppress us. A lot of times, our untold truths are what breeds hate, resentment and bitterness. To contribute positivity to the world, sometimes, we need to fix what’s broken inside of us first. This is my truth…

NO MEANS NO

No means no unless you’ve already agreed to CNC. I wasn’t a sub at the time and there was definitely no CNC agreed upon.

I was dating my ex at the time. We had gotten a hotel. Sex was fine, but anal was not.

We had a lot of sex. It was not pleasurable. It was rather painful, but I just went along with it because he was my boyfriend. Then he pinned me down while I was on my stomach and I could feel his cock near my ass. I said no, but he proceeded.

It was the most painful thing I had endured. I was screaming and telling him to stop, but he kept going. I was crying, but it was no use. It caused me physical harm and emotional trauma.

THE DARK SPIRAL

I had ended up going to the doctor and the hospital because I was in so much pain. I then became very sick for several months.

I believe he created tears in my ass that took over a month to completely heal. It was painful.

He told me that I was dirty and disgusting and no one else would want me anymore. We didn’t have sex after that because he said I was ugly and no one wanted to look at me.

I spent just about everyday in tears. He never wanted to kiss me. He never wanted to hold me or cuddle with me. It was like after he took what he wanted, the physical meant nothing to him anymore. Stealing things from me didn’t stop there. He stole my money because he was lazy. He stole my time because girlfriends are supposed to be available for their man 24/7. And he robbed me of my identity.

I spiraled emotionally not just from the initial trauma but the repeated abuse.

BUT HE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND

I think the loneliest part was that I had no one who understood me. He isolated me from everyone else. When I did finally speak up no one believed me. They said it couldn’t be rape because he was my boyfriend.

He sodomized me painfully. I said no. I tried to fight him, but he still violated me. HE RAPED ME!

“But you consented to sex.” This is what I was told. I did not consent to anal and even if I did, I told him no and I told him to stop.

IT’S RAPE AND IT’S NOT MY FAULT

Just because you consent to vaginal intercourse does not automatically mean you consent to anal. Those holes are entirely different.

If you say no, if you say stop, and they continue to fuck you, it’s rape.

I walked around in shame about this for so long. I blamed myself for being naive. There was so much darkness and bitterness in my soul. I buried it deep inside of me for so long.

But I had told Sir about my past and he reaffirmed that what happened to me was rape and it wasn’t my fault. There is no reason for me to be ashamed and there is no reason for me to be left unheard.

THE COLOR OF MY SOUL

The black and blue had begun forming
The color my heart had turned without warning
Nightmares of the terror encapsulate me
Trapped in my own mind with no end I see
The walls of a prison of my own making closing in
Hope for an escape runs thin

I felt the heaviness of your breath as you took my scent in
Patterns of deceit etched into my skin
Each time your obnoxious footsteps drew near
I froze and began trembling with fear
My arms restrained in your web of lies
A distaste for you, my heart denies

Manipulated by the distorted image of you
From the world I knew, I surely withdrew

Withering in the isolation of my own disdain
In my skin, the fragments of your torment remain
Memories of chills from a touch so cold
Much of a story that remains untold

Drowning in the sea of my own despair
The guilt of the sin just doesn’t seem fair
No longer bound by the shackles of your abuse
Feelings of shame and abandonment become my noose
Forever entangled in that blood stained sheet
The anguish that engulfs me, I tried to delete

A rape of not only my body, but my mind
Scars of the darkness there, you will find
Broken pieces left of who I once was
The remainder of me still paralyzed by your venomous claws
A shell of a person lies await
Naked, as the identity of me begins to dissipate

Yours Truly,
The Sassy Sub Daily

Wicked Wednesday # 418: Truth – To read what others have to say about their truths, please click here.

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18 Comments

  1. Hi what a dreadful thing to endure I am so sorry it happened to you. This was not your fault and thank goodness u are out of that relationship now.
    I don’t know if you know about the mental health meme #sb4mh – u can find the link on twitter. A post like this may really help others
    May More

  2. Oh Sass, that was a horrible experience. I am so sorry you had to go through it, and that he was so mean to you after that. It was rape, no doubt, and so stupid of people to say it couldn’t be rape because he was your boyfriend. Rape can even happen in a marriage, because like you rightfully said, no is no! Thank you for sharing this, it must’ve been hard for you to write.
    ~ Marie

    1. Thank you for reading. I written about it in the past. That was extremely hard to write though it was somewhere no one really reads what I write. I think it was a safety net as at the time as I wasn’t quite ready for a bigger audience. In the current climate of our society, rape, sexual assault, harassment, are all issues that remain a bit taboo to speak about. In think this is the reason why many are in denial that rape does occur more often than not. I think many tend to think rape does not impact them, but I think everyone knows at least one person who has experienced it whether it is a known fact or not. It’s unfortunate that so many feel as though they cannot speak up.

  3. I’m so so sorry for your pain. I also experienced a rape of this sort so please know you are not alone. I and other survivors (for we will never be victims) see you and share your shame, but know this is not fault of yours.
    I hope you’ve found healing in your life and that you got the Dom you deserve 😉
    Take care!

    1. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience it as well. I think that though we may heal, we will always carry around the scars. I have days that are darker than others, but I’m grateful that life isn’t so dreary like it once was.

  4. I’m sorry for the pain that you have experienced and I hope that by continuing to openly talk about what happened that you can find a path for better mental well being.

    1. Thank you for reading. I think healing in a daily thing. The scars will remain, but I have a good support system. I have Sir who is there for my emotional needs and a lover who makes me feel loved.

  5. this is so powerful and true, There is a huge difference between CNC and the real thing. I admire your courage for sharing with us. thank you

    1. I didn’t even know what CNC was back then. But unfortunately, I think rape is all too common, but hardly anyone speaks up because of the shame associated with it. I hope it helps others. Thank you for reading.

  6. So brave to discuss this after you’ve had repeated claims that you were ‘wrong’ to think of it as rape or abuse. You absolutely had the right to say no and you should have been heard. Heartbreaking that you had to go through this and didn’t have the support you needed and deserved.
    I am glad you are with the right Dom now, and how wonderful that he has helped you come to terms with this. You poem is beautiful and heartfelt. You are being brave and strong, showing your scars will help other people. xx

    1. I think most people believe that rape doesn’t exist in established relationships. I think the saddest part was when another rape survivor told me that my experience was rape because I had already consented to vaginal penetration. But consent ended there. If talking about rape, sexual assault, harassment wasn’t so taboo, I think it would help so many feel less alone, less ashamed, less disgusting.

  7. I’m so sorry this was done to you.

    I’m so grateful that you feel able to share. Your poem is haunting. I want to reiterate what you have said, no means no. I wish your friends had been more supportive.

    I think you’re amazing.

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