My Winter Storm

One of my favorite songs is I Walk Alone by Tarja Turunen.

I know I’m a bit late to the party, but when I saw Mrs Fever’s Summer Writing Project, I wanted to start from the very first prompt which was “Wind.” I immediately thought of I Walk Alone which references, “my winter storm” in the chorus.

WIND

It reminds me of a breath or spirit. With a strong gust of wind, it’s powerful enough to do a lot of damage. The wind changes things. It can carry things through the air. It’s a force that can either work for you or work against you…just think about flying, pilots would definitely prefer tailwinds as it would help them reach their destination quicker than if they were fighting against headwinds.

With that being said, these powerful forces in life can either help us or hurt us depending on how we allow it to impact us.

THE STORM

I was never quite like the rest of my family. I was raised as a church girl and I tried. I seriously tried to fit in with them. I would study the scripture and while I knew all the stories and could quote scripture, I was all head and little heart.

I had stopped going to church mainly after I started dating my ex. He was my first storm. His voice is still like the wind. It’s there, but on some days, it’s more powerful than it is on other days. Sometimes, his words don’t get to me at all.

I felt so alone in that relationship. He never loved me; he just used me. He abused me. He hurt me and not in the way a masochist enjoys pain. He caused long lasting harm. He broke me.

I remember him constantly berating me. He was so quick to mock me and put me down, but never wanted to look at his own flaws. After a while, I began to believe him. I was worthless. I didn’t deserve any love. No one could ever love someone like me.

Even in believing that I would end up miserable and alone, I couldn’t take it anymore so I walked away. Being alone seemed like a far better choice than constantly crying over how he made me feel. With the breakup, I was met with hostility and rage. It was always this way when I had tried to leave, but this time, I didn’t cave. I left him.

WALKING ALONE

I couldn’t date for a while. I tried to a year after I left him, but my heart was still in a state of turmoil. I tried to rise up on my own and become this force to be reckoned with, but I think, in reality, I built a wall around my heart out of fear.

I went over three years in this stagnant state. I was physically moving, but emotionally, I was at a standstill. Bitterness and hated pooled within me. I had tried to go back to church, but I honestly felt so out of place so I left again and continued to walk alone.

Bitterness, resentment, anger, hate…all things that can weigh you down if you don’t take care of it. I had never truly coped with my ex’s actions so I let it eat away at me until I became like an empty shell.

SUNNY DAYS AHEAD

I had referred to myself as a “dead (wo)man” walking. I really was until I met Sir. Sir was nothing like my ex. Sir, though a million miles away, showed he cared about me and trust was easily built. At the very beginning of our relationship, I opened up to Sir about my ex. Sir didn’t judge me. He was compassionate toward me which is something I wasn’t used to.

Sir helped me cope with the world of hurt that my ex had caused. Sir helped me get back into writing. The very first day that I became his sub, I began writing poetry again. All the things I could never say out loud came to life on paper.

“The wind blows on us all, but it’s how you set your sail that makes the difference.” – Jim Rohn

Yours Truly,

The Sassy Sub Daily

To read more about Mrs Fever’s Summer Writing Project, click here,

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2 Comments

  1. It can be incredibly difficult to leave a toxic relationship, and even more difficult to find your own two feet again (let alone be able to stand on them) once you’ve walked away. I’m so glad you were able to do both.

    And I understand what you mean about “all head, no heart” with your church experience. My own experience with Church (capitalized, as in ‘the entity’) has been less than stellar. Organized religion has ruined God for a lot of people, I think. And for people who turn to religion in times of trial but find no comfort there, it is a particularly difficult thing to embrace.

    Thank you for joining in; I will look forward to more of your writing. 🙂

    1. Yes it is difficult and the emotional scars from a toxic relationship are lifelong, but I think it’s important to try to break the cycle and find myself in the same or a similar situation again. So I have to use the hurt as a learning experience in what to runaway from in the future.

      Thank you for reading.

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