Every time I talk to my lover, there are three simple words that sit on the tip of my tongue. Three simple words that I want to say to him when we’re in bed together. Three simple words that I want to say as he kisses me goodbye.
Those three simple words may not be so grand when they are said alone, but when you string them together and it is truly what you mean, fireworks go off. Sometimes, it brings couples closer together and sometimes, one gets mad and walks away because the other does not feel the same.
I LOVE YOU!
Instead, I settle for the, “I miss you.” I say that I miss him every single day. To miss someone just seems less impactful than loving someone.
I’m very careful with those three simple words. My ex and another guy that I had dated forced me to say those words to them before we even saw each other face-to-face. They forced those words after a week or maybe even less of talking. I didn’t mean them. I was obligated to say it because they guilt tripped me.
I think love takes time. I don’t know if you can really fall in love with someone that you’ve never met. When it comes to online dating, I think it’s easy to fall in love with the idea of the person, but not the person itself. Who someone is online/in writing is normally different than who someone is in person. It’s easy to construct a false version of yourself via pen, but in person, it gets more and more difficult to keep up with those lies.
I think I’m scared to use those words with my lover. Once I say them, I can’t take them back and what if it’s too soon and it scares him away.
With my Dom, I am also careful because my love language is quality time. I’ve talked to Sir every single day for the past five months. Even if it’s online, it’s still quality time. I’m vulnerable with him. Both physically and emotionally naked for him. It would be so easy to slip into the pattern of saying that I’m falling in love, but I’ve never met him in person yet. While he’s been very honest with me, I’m careful with my heart. I know that Sir would keep me safe and if he told me to book a flight to see him, I would in a heartbeat. I trust him, but those three simple words no longer come out of my mouth so easily.
Maybe expressing that I trust Sir with my life is my way of expressing how fond I am of him. Maybe it’s my way of showing how much I admire and desire him. Maybe telling him that I need him is my way of saying that when I became his sub, it was like I was coming up for air for the very first time. It brought me life.
I care about both my Dom and my lover deeply. But whether or not those three simple words will ever be a part of my vocabulary again is still uncertain.
The Sassy Sub Daily