If I were to create a soundtrack for my life at the moment, it would be about both Sir and my lover.
Sir would definitely be like the Wounded Healer in my life. Sir always makes me feel safe and like I’m not alone. The first verse says:
“You take me down to this sacred place
Keep my secret, don’t leave a trace
Set my heart free from time and space
Come hear my sorrow
You stick around through my hardest days
Lead my way through this tangled maze
I believe in you to embrace
My soul, so tortured”
Before meeting Sir, I was definitely a mess. I still am a mess, but at least I have Sir to set me straight. It was a bit dark and depressing battling the demons of my past. No one seemed to understand so it always felt like I was being judged. It almost felt as though no one believed me about being abused and raped by my ex because if I was dating him then I must have wanted everything he did to me so it was inevitably my fault. That’s how others made me feel. When Sir came into my life, I confided in him and he comforted me. Sir had helped me cope and my heart was set free from the shame. He’s always there for me. Sir calms me down in the middle of my storms.
Sir means the world to me. Becoming his sub gave me more purpose and meeting him was like the light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel.
Grief can swallow you whole. It can make you feel like a dead man walking. Not too long after I started this blog, I wrote about something called Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. It means broken heart syndrome. Having Sir in my life changed the trajectory of my life.
“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down, into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there, and lead it, back, home”
I’ve always had issues with letting people in. Vulnerability is definitely not my strong suit, but somehow Sir was able to breakdown the walls I’ve built. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. He knows me down to my core. He’s seen a glimpse of the darkness buried inside me. Being his sub has saved me from spiraling. Essentially, he’s saved me from drowning in my own darkness and brought me back to life.
I’ve mentioned growing up in the church before. I was a church girl. I went to church multiple times a week. You wouldn’t expect a church girl like me to become so dark and twisted, but I did and well now I have Sir.
“Oh Lord, Oh Lord, what do I do?
I’ve fallen for someone who’s nothing like you
He’s raised on the edge of the devil’s backbone
Oh I just wanna take him home
Oh I just wanna take him home”
Sir was definitely not a church boy. Sir has got me hooked on more rock and more heavy music lately. I went from the bubbly pop to something darker. It started with Nightwish, then Within Temptation, Tarja and it just grew from there. Hence why there’s a song by Beyond the Black on this list. My family would definitely say it’s the devil’s music.
They would say that Sir is a bad influence. They would say that what I’m doing is a sin. They would call Sir a sinner. And maybe 10 years ago, I would have thought the same, but I’m attached to Sir. I want Sir. I desire Sir. I need Sir. I lust for Sir.
“Don’t care if he’s guilty, don’t care if he’s not
He’s good and he’s bad and he’s all that I’ve got
Oh Lord, Oh Lord, I’m begging you please
Don’t take that sinner from me
Oh don’t take that sinner from me”
Maybe to a church girl, Sir would be seen as bad, but to me he is good. He shows that he cares about me. Whether others may say he’s good or not, I don’t really care. I need Sir in my life. I won’t give him up.
“Seems so close to me
But still beyond my reach
Calling me and playing hide and seek. Look behind that door
I’m the one you’ve been searching for
And I’m not a little girl anymore. I could say that I don’t care
But the truth is I’d follow you anywhere
I’ve been waiting such a long, long time
Don’t you dare change your mind”
The lover and I don’t have the same problem that Sir and I do. The lover lives a few towns away, but Sir lives on the other side of the world. My lover and I can physically be together. Physically close, but he still seems emotionally distant. At the beginning, I didn’t care so much because I really only wanted Sir. I couldn’t imagine being with someone else, but Sir gave me permission. Somewhere along the way, I developed feelings for the lover and now, I’d do just about anything to keep him.
“You by the light
Is the greatest find
In the world full wrong
You’re the thing that’s right
Finally made it
Through the lonely
To the other side”
When I first met Sir, I listened to this song a lot. He was literally, “the greatest find” in the world. I was pouring my heart out to him and I was vulnerable with him. I was also terrified that I wanted to give so much of myself to him. I had been lonely for such a long period of time when I finally found Sir. I wasn’t even looking at the time. I happened to be on getDare and we started chatting and I think we were just meant to be. Becoming his submissive happened really organically. It wasn’t forced. I was drawn to him and after talking to him, I was comfortable with him and found myself naturally wanting to submit to him.
Now, the song takes on a different meaning.
“And I’m in love
And I’m terrified
For the first time
In the last time
In my only”
With the lover, I am terrified of being all in because I’m not sure if he will be all in. I’m terrified that I feel so strongly about him. I scared of getting hurt. I’m scared that he won’t return the feelings I have for him.
The Sassy Sub Daily
To see the soundtracks of other people lives, please click here.