I grew up a church girl. I reluctantly went to church every Sunday. Rolled my eyes multiple times during service. The truth is, I never felt like I belonged. I always felt like an outsider; they didn’t include me when they would hangout. No wonder I developed a strong distaste for the church. The church is like high school; it’s full of cliques. Many claim to be better than non-Christians, but it’s honestly where I feel the most judged. They preach about not judging others, but judgment comes down hardest from them.
I’ve gone through phases where I would leave the church for a few years then come back. I don’t think this is one of those phases. I think I’m so irritated with the hypocrisy that I just want to stay far away. The church has hurt me far more than any guy ever has.
After my ex raped me, I just didn’t want to go to church. I felt like their lofty glances would be upon me and they would shift the blame onto me. But being raped is not my fault and to make a victim feel like it is…that’s just cruel and unloving. Sure enough when I did go back to church and did tell some people, that’s exactly how they made me feel. They would tell me that if I saw him again, it would be my responsibility as a Christian to talk to him and forgive him. Fuck that! I never want to see that asshole’s face again!
I always felt dragged down by constant negativity in the church. I’d feel content until someone would just ruin it. Why would I want to continue live in such a negative state?
Now that I’m with my Dom, I feel the most alive. I feel like a D/s relationship would get so many guilt trips in the church. However, the Bible teaches that wives should submit to their husbands so clearly there’s a Dominant and a submissive in Christian marriages. I know the church would not see a D/s relationship in the same way. They’d tell me I’m a sinner because I let him see my naked body when we’re not married. They’d probably tell me that I am sinner for owning sex toys. If they read my blog, they’d tell me that I’m sinning just by writing this.
I just can’t give up my Dom. I can’t give up this relationship. I need him. He’s helped me through things that the church had left me even more shattered with. He makes me strive to do better…I don’t feel so complacent anymore. I don’t feel stuck. I feel like I’m able to grow. I can’t imagine life without him. I have less anxiety since I became his sub.
I know the church would want me to give up what I have with him, but why would I give up the one person that has helped me the most?
The Sassy Sub Daily