A D/s relationship is like any other relationship, it takes time and effort. It requires a bit of commitment and availability.
I was asked what are the most important traits for a Dominant to have and what traits would make someone want to be a good submissive. Going through these questions, I realized that most people think submission is given overnight. It’s not that easy, fellas. You can’t simply expect a girl to submit just because you demanded it.
Like the graphic states, as a submissive, I require more attention than the average girl. As time goes on, I think I’ve become even more needy or clingy. My Dom gives me that attention. He takes the time to get to know my needs, my desires, my fears. I can be a tough nut to crack so can you imagine how much more time and attention he’s needed to give me.
I truly feel like I hit the jackpot with my Dom. He’s not like other “Dominants” I’ve had before. He has not gone MIA on me. I find myself desiring to do things for him that I wouldn’t do for anyone else. I’d do anything for him.
I give up something huge in exchange for having him. It’s the trade off, but it’s worth it…well at least it is for me.
When someone gives a Dominant their submission, it’s not something that’s been given without consideration. I usually like to be in control of most things. When I get ill, I’m even more miserable because I can’t control what my immune system is doing. When I’m being picked up to go somewhere, I hate when they don’t show up early or on time because then I have no control over getting to the destination on time. I’m a very orderly person. It’s hard for me to resign to the command of another.
Why would I give my submission to just anyone? Why would I submit to someone who didn’t show that they cared about me? How can I give up the one thing that I like to hold onto? I think when life presents the right Dom, things just fall into place. When you find the right Dominant, you don’t stress about losing that control so much because you trust that person.
He takes the time to get to know me. Trust isn’t something that’s there overnight. Trust is built. In order to build that, there needs to be consistency. If my Dom fell off the face of the earth for a considerable amount of time, how do you think I would feel? It would cause feelings of abandonment. In turn, I would feel like I wasn’t wanted. It would leave a nasty wound.
He’s never made me feel like some random girl he happened to stumble upon. I don’t feel like just another number. Yes, there is humiliation and degradation involved, but those are some of the kinks that we both enjoy. He likes to degrade me and I like being on the receiving end of it. He’ll tell me that I’m a slut, but I’m his slut and I enjoy being his slut.
Not every submissive is the same. Not every Dominant is the same. I can’t tell you that every submissive is looking for the same traits that I do. There are little things that mean more to me than they would to someone else. Someone said that you don’t have to be a genius or really smart to dominate another, but for me, it’s what I need. I’m sassy; I’m quick witted; my brain moves at a million miles a minute. A Dominant who could not match me blow for blow would be considered weak in my eyes. I couldn’t submit to someone weaker than me.
I also find it difficult to submit to someone who is younger than me. I’m Japanese and I grew up with the whole Senpai and kohai mindset. You are to respect your elders. It also plays into the fact that Japanese culture as well as many other Asian cultures are high context cultures.
In 1985, Dr. Stella Ting-Toomey conceived the Face Negotiation Theory. “Face” is meant to symbolize self-image. “Facework” is meant to mean the interpersonal communication especially non-verbals when interacting with others. The US as well as many other western countries are considered more so individualistic cultures. Asian countries tend to be more collectivistic. There are also low-context and high context cultures. Being Japanese, I can relate to the collectivistic high context culture. It means the power distance is greater so those in authority are to be respected far more than you would see in a low context culture. I’m also American so I understand the low context culture as well. I fully acknowledge my individualism, but I also see those in power with more reverence.
To get back on topic though, it explains why I can’t submit to those younger than me. I see them as my juniors and they should respect me as their elder.
I think the Face Negotiation Theory also explains the power dynamic with my Dom. He’s the authoritative figure so I see him with more regard. I respect him and have this nature to please him. I think it’s part of that accommodating culture that has been ingrained into my head.
Needless to say, if you aren’t just a horny kid looking to expand their sexual experiences, D/s relationship are much more complex than just sex. To cultivate a strong dynamic between a Dominant and submissive, it takes time and effort. You can’t rush it. It’s not like having a quickie.
The Sassy Sub Daily