A few years ago, I met a man who seemed pretty amazing at first. Turns out most of the things he had said to me were lies to entice me and draw me in. He was manipulative and abusive. It was all about his wants and that led to him raping me. He was supposed to my boyfriend; a man who was supposed to love and care about me, but he only loved and cared about himself. He was selfish and nothing was ever his fault.
I was never the same after that. It’s taken a lot just to get to this point. I had told myself that I was fine, but there had been a lot of darkness buried deep inside. It wasn’t until I met my Dom that I could see how it still impacted me. I really am grateful for my Dom and that he’s been there for me even with the load of emotional baggage I carry around.
I think from the outside, the BDSM world can come off as abusive. While there definitely is some serious abuse in some Dom/sub relationships, a “healthy” relationship doesn’t cause that sort of emotional trauma. In sadomasochism, the Sadist is aroused by inflicting pain and the masochist is aroused by receiving pain. Some believe that sadomasochism is associated with mental illness. Kinky play is not something new; it’s just a little more mainstream today. Ever since the 50 Shades series, more people have been open to talking about their kinks. However, not everyone understands what a true Dom/sub relationship should look like as that series portrays a very inaccurate version of BDSM.
The 50 Shades series depicts what could really be considered abuse. While the main character did eventually agree to being a sub, she was naive as to what she was getting herself into. I think there should be informed consent, meaning you know and understand exactly what you’re walking into. If there is no consent, then it’s not play, it’s abuse and sometimes even actual rape.
In my relationship with my ex, I did not give consent to any of the abuse or the sexual assault. In fact, what he did was the one thing I explicitly said I did not want. I did not want anal and yet he pinned me down and forced himself on me. That led to physical injury and illness in which I had to go to the hospital for.
When I first started subbing for my Dom, one of my more sexually crazy friends warned me about being manipulated. It wouldn’t just apply to a Dom/sub relationship, but any relationship in general. What I really appreciate about the relationship I have with my Dom is that there is a lot of honesty and trust. He’s not pretending to be something he’s not and he hasn’t manipulated me in anyway.
With my Dom, all things I have done have been of my own free will. Yes, I have broken limits for him, but it wasn’t something he pressured me into doing. He’s been rather patient with me and I broke those limits out of a need to please him. There are some hard limits that I will never break like incest because that’s absolutely disgusting and I’m not that morally degenerate, but I think that’s a reasonable limit.
My ex tore me down. While many people, who base their views on BDSM off of the 50 Shades series, may think that’s how a Dom operates, it’s definitely not the case. Yes, there is degradation and humiliation, if that’s your thing. However, there is more to a Dom/sub relationship than just playtime. What most people don’t realize is the time spent just having conversation and getting to know each other. It’s in those times outside of play that trust is built. My Dom and I may not play everyday, but we do communicate with each other on a daily basis. Outside of play, he is very supportive and encouraging. It’s a relationship in which I’ve been built up. He’s helped me regain the confidence I had lost.
The girl I once was may have died when my ex put me through hell, but you, Sir, have helped me come back to life as a better woman and I am forever in your debt.
The Sassy Sub Daily